Notes on How to Happy

By: Miguel Escoto

  1. Smile Exercises: Frowns are the byproduct of attitudinal deficiency. Embrace subordination or die malnourished. Second place is underrated, silver-medal protein (40 grams recommended). Pair medal with 45 minutes of face workout. Front-camera pictures for followers (20 reps of 3 sets, clever caption suggested). Avoid counting likes.
  2. Daily Dose of Unimpressive Optimism: Stock refrigerator shelves with cartons full of pride. Swallow 20% of Daily Value (based on middle-class-calorie-income) in morning, 15% when looking at naked self in mirror, 25% during argument with loved one, 30% in profession, and 10% at family reunions. Glass half-honest is more like glass half-fool. Remind myself that (*insert first-world problem here*) is manageable.
  3. Adequate Intake of Vitamin (S)D: Self-deprecation can be flooded into system via pills (prioritize Vitamin (S)D extracted from organic plants rather than from corporate-board approved manufacturers), sprinkled onto a breakfast shake, or hidden in a joke. Beat enemies to the punch so no blood is drawn. Tattoo most commonly received insult on forearm. Flash when necessary. Laugh about it.

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